AW suggested I do a review, which struck me as difficult considering I don’t want to give away any of the plot, setpieces or script, so I’ll just censor the spoilers.

This film is balls to the wall winrar, culminating in a terrifying [censored] in which Scotty amputates [censored] [censored], plugging the leaking [censored] and so saving the ship. The scene in which Kirk [censored] for about fifteen minutes, before [censored] for a further five, is superlative. Special mention must be made of Kenneth Branagh, who [censored] every living thing in the movie.

Some surprises as well. Spock and Sulu smashing each other round the head and chest with office chairs; Chekhov’s wincing “toilet incident”; someone shouting “KHAN!!!” every few minutes; Nathan Fillion in a surprise cross-universe cameo as Mal Reynolds (although he [censored] after less than two minutes of screen time). And, of course, the blisteringly fast-paced trolley race which leaves a bewildered McCoy bleeding from his [censored], [censored] and partially severed [censored].

I heartily recommend this film to everyone. Where else are you going to see [censored], [censored], [censored] and – best of all – inter-species [censored]?